Intelligent Design Theories

From today’s San Francisco Chronicle:

Further evidence of intelligent design

Gerald Nachman

Sunday, August 28, 2005 Witch Haven, Tenn. – Dr. Norris Gravlox, an oral surgeon and a leading proponent of the intelligent design theory of how children evolve into grown-ups, is the author of a new paper on how homo sapiens come to be “divinely blessed” with teeth, which have played a major role in humans’ swift rise up the evolutionary ladder.

Gravlox, who teaches at the Evangelical School of Dentistry in Bald Knob, maintains that a force known as the tooth fairy is responsible for children growing new teeth, which he calls a miracle that only a larger power could have possibly conceived. The tooth fairy theory, which has come under attack by many modern dental scholars, is outlined in his article in the New England Journal of Folklore.

According to Gravlox’s theory, when a child loses a baby tooth, an invisible yet very real spirit signifies the event with a shiny coin, often a quarter, deposited under the child’s pillow the next morning – “clear evidence that something is going on. And then, six months later – bingo! – a brand new tooth appears.”

Writes Gravlox, “Traditional medical experts will laugh, of course, but no other explanation is possible other than the existence of an angel of dental design.”

N.D. - A new theory that may explain the sudden existence of colored eggs deposited on lawns in the spring was put forward last week by Madeline R. Filkins in a speech before the American Society of Domestic Rabbit Breeders.

Her theory – that bunnies actually deliver the mysteriously dyed eggs – goes against the usual explanation that human beings are responsible for their appearance on Easter morning each year.

“There is no other rational explanation,” Filkins said. “You can talk all you like about parents supposedly coloring all these eggs and then secretly hiding them in bushes in the backyard, but clearly a higher intelligence is at work.”

Va. - Protesters carrying signs reading, “Yes, Virginians, There Is a Santa Claus!” marched on the local board of education insisting that God, in the guise of Santa Claus, is responsible for children’s gifts on Christmas morning – not, as has previously been thought to be the case, parents who leave presents under a tree.

Rachel Furbisher, the protest leader, said, “The Bible teaches that the Lord works in mysterious ways, and what could be more gloriously mysterious than St. Nicholas, the patron saint of toys? If the Almighty could create the universe in seven days, then surely he can bring gifts to deserving God- fearing boys and girls everywhere in the world in one night.

“Anybody who refutes that simply refuses to take into consideration divine intervention. Santa Claus is just a label we give to Christianity’s most heavenly works.”

Mass. – Addressing a convention of gynecologists, Dr. Max Zygott proposed a theory that babies are not created by a sperm and an egg uniting within a woman but may very well be brought to earth by large flying storks that descend upon homes and hospitals. Zygott calls his controversial theory “inspired creationism.”

“I realize this concept may conflict with traditional childbirth teachings, and will be sneered at by many among the so-called intellectual elite, but I only ask that this theory be taught in high school sex education classes as an alternative to the usual accepted notion of what everyone – no matter their religious belief – calls the miracle of birth. What harm can it do to expose children to other, equally valid theories of how life is created? All such beliefs should be debated in our so-called halls of learning. “

Gerald Nachman is a former Chronicle critic and columnist and the author of “Seriously Funny: The Rebel Comedians of the 1950s and 1960s.” Contact us at [Enable javascript to see this email address.].

Dudes, when newspapers start running pieces like THIS, then ID is dead dead dead.