Hebrew is the last common ancestor of all languages

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I will demonstrate in this paper that all the Indo-European languages and probably all languages on earth evolved from ancient Hebrew.

The conventional wisdom is that Hebrew and the languages of Europe share only three words: amen, hallelu-Yah, and Kokah-Kolah. The 3000-year-old manuscripts known as the Dead Ashkenaz Scrolls, however, contain ancient Hebrew roots so old that they are not found in the Hebrew Bible: they survive only in Yiddish. This discovery dispels the usual belief that Yiddish is a Germanic language; rather, the manuscripts show that German is a Yiddic language.

Many of the newly discovered roots are familiar to speakers of Yiddish and natives of the New York metropolitan area. For example, the root shlep means to bear a heavy load, as in the sentence, “Ani shilafti mishpachti le-‘Ir ha-Strassim; I carted my family to Strasbourg.” The Strassim were an early group of city dwellers and probably invented the street.

On the way to ‘Ir ha-Strassim, the ancient Ashkenazit had to amuse her children with a tsatskeh. Often, when a tsatskeh fell apart after a few minutes of use, the Ashkenazit complained that it was a piece of shlock.

The root shmuz belongs to an irregular conjugation or one that has been lost. It means to chat amiably, as in “Hu shmuz ‘im El-Sah ba-gan; he is chatting with Elsa in the garden.” A root with a similar meaning, kibits, survives in modern Hebrew in the word kibbutz and the verb, to gather. The original meaning, however, was to watch a game and make comments: “Hee kibtsah shachmat; she was kibitzing a game of chess.”

When an ancient Ashkenazic Jew prayed fervently, he used the root, daven. This root is the origin of the English word divine and the Latin, deus. The ancient Ashkenazi bentshed, or prayed after his meals. The Latin word benedicere, to bless, derives from bentsh. To eat between meals was represented by a separate root, nosh, and you generally did not have to bentsh after a nosh.

To swell with pride was represented by the root, kvell: “Sabah kivel be-bar hamitsvah; Grandfather swelled with pride at the bar-mitzvah boy.” Afterward, Grandfather sometimes became crotchety, and a closely related root developed: kvetsh.

To work very hard was to shvits: “Ani shvitsti kol ha-yom; I worked hard all day.” If you labored hard in hot weather, you perspired a lot, so the verb eventually took on a slightly different meaning. Not everyone worked hard, even in those days, however; those who begged for a living were said to shnorr, and they could make quite a tsimmes if you didn’t give them some food or a little gelt.

In principle, all Hebrew words are derived from one of a thousand or so three-letter roots. These roots in turn derive from a smaller number of two-letter roots; for example, kvell (K-V-L) and kvetsh (K-V-Tsh) probably derive from the two-letter root K-V, to show emotion. In a later paper, I will show that Hebrew itself was not given by G-d but rather evolved from a single one-letter root, V, most likely a primal scream, “Vaaaaaayyyyyy!”

About the author. The author can conjugate Hebrew, even if he can’t speak it.

Glossary.

Note. Yiddish is not German, so I have transliterated sh as sh, not sch. When Germans recognize the Yiddic roots of their language, they will drop the c.

Ashkenaz, n., Heb., Germany.

bentsh, v., bless; specifically, recite the blessing after meals.

daven, v., pray.

G-d, n., the d–ty.

gelt, n., money.

kibitz, v., butt in with unsolicited advice.

kvell, v., glow with pride.

kvetch, v., whine, complain, gripe.

nosh, n., between-meal snack; v., eat a nosh.

shlep, v., drag or haul, especially unneeded articles, such as your children.

shlock, n., shoddy merchandise.

shmooze, v., chat, talk.

shnorr, v., beg professionally, but always with the presumption that the shnorrer is entitled and doing you a favor.

shvitz, v., sweat.

tsatskeh (chachkeh), n., plaything.

tsimmes, n., lit., sweet carrot pudding; fig., song and dance over a trifle.

vay, n., pain, woe. oy vay, woe [is me].

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Tyler Williams at Codex has an interesting piece that you might want to read and enjoy. It was posted at 12:01 am today. I just hope Tyler doesn't suffer from Mark Twain's literary problem. My own luck has been curious... Read More

38 Comments

Sadly Apr 1 is already almost over here in Sydney.

I’ve read of this before on Google Scholar. “Hebonics” if I’m not mistaken. Very interesting stuff.…

Carol C has been redeemed,she was right all along,now myself, Lenny Raging Bee “et all” will be forced to read Landers book

In principle, all Hebrew words are derived from one of a thousand or so three-letter roots. These roots in turn derive from a smaller number of two-letter roots

Indeed, the name of God, given as YHWH, must therefore be derived from two two letter words, YH and WH.

YH has obviously come down to us in the form of yahoo, one who makes things up. Therefore, it is reasonable to believe that the original meaning was one who creates from nothing.

WH must be wahoo, the modern form being wazoo, or arse.

Therefore, God’s name means the one who pulls things out of his arse, which explains all the shite we are dealing with on earth.

Indeed the Cartoon History of the World corroborates my theory that the correct pronunciation of God’s name is Yahoo-Wahoo ZOT!!!

As a linguist, that is pretty funny stuff.

And the River Danube is derived from one of the lost tribes of Israel (Dan) etc. etc. This is proof that peoples of Europe are the remnants of those tribes and that Britain is one of them (The British Israelite association believes something like this - seriously ! It’s very popular in NI among the evangelical protestant churches by the way.). I think there’s also something about Westminster Abbey being the throne of King David in their literature.

It’s still April 1st here but it’s after 12 noon so I suppose the time for jokes is really over.

Syntax Error: not well-formed (invalid token) at line 3, column 10, byte 87 at /usr/local/lib/perl5/site_perl/5.16/mach/XML/Parser.pm line 187.

This has got to be an April fools joke. Nobody could really be this silly.

I now see where Carol is coming from.

Because no vowels are written in old Hebrew there is much less chance for it to conflict with modern science.

as in:

Bcs n vwls r wrttn n ld Hbrw thr s mch lss chnc fr t t cnflct wth mdrn scnc.

If you just take out the vowels from the word science the NOTHING conflicts with scns.

Easy.

I laughed so much I plotzed!

BTW, the lack of vowel marking in Hebrew must be the result of a cosmic disemvowelling. Moses must have made G*d angry one day. Then, for the rest of history, the Jews were made to wander the world without vowels. Hence the undermarking of vowels in Yiddish.

If Carol doesn’t weigh in on this, I’ll be disappointed.

If Carol doesn’t weigh in on this, I’ll be disappointed.

That would require a sense of humor — religious nuts are notorious for their lack of such.

Witness Beckwith’s and Nelson’s attempts at humor here in the past.

The conventional wisdom is that Hebrew and the languages of Europe share only three words: amen, hallelu-Yah, and Kokah-Kolah.

Ramen. You forgot ramen.

As a student of Yiddish, ikh muz zogn, ir hot geshraybt zeyer a fayner artikl! Efsher ir darft es ayngebn tzum YIVO?

Oi Vay!

No comprendo nada de esta caca que escribes.

Sorry, the only Yiddish I know is “putz” and “shlemiel”.

Which both mean the same thing, IIRC.

Arden wtote:

“If Carol doesn’t weigh in on this, I’ll be disappointed.”

Then Lenny weighed in:

“That would require a sense of humor —- religious nuts are notorious for their lack of such.”

I am a little late to this due to the coincidence of April first and the Sabbath here in beautiful New Jersey. Using a computer may not be one of the 39 forbidden tasks to Jews on the Sabbath but it is deemed inappropriate activity by the rabbis.

This is really funny. All I have to add is, Lenny, gai kaken.

I will leave the translation to others.

I say no more because I do not want to derail this thread.

I say no more because I do not want to derail this thread.

Hey! Lenny was wrong, Carol DOES have a sense of humor.

I say no more because I do not want to derail this thread.

Carol, go nuts. This is the ONE case where your comments would actually NOT derail a thread.

Arden,

I was trying to crack a joke. Guess it didn’t succeed with you.

I was trying to crack a joke. Guess it didn’t succeed with you.

Gevalt! For once there’s a whole thread that’s actually about Hebrew, and you don’t want to participate. Who knew?

I was trying to crack a joke

See, I was right after all. No sense of humor.

I think the religious nuts must think it’s sinful or something.

See, I was right after all. No sense of humor.

I think the religious nuts must think it’s sinful or something.

What’s especially ironic is that Judaism is not traditionally associated with being humorless:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Catego[…]an_comedians

Carol: Re. using a computer on the Sabbath. My brother , who was a Physics teacher (he now works for the civil service in the department of education) once had some children from the Exclusive Brethren movement in his class. Among one of the things they refused to do, in class, was to use the computer - at any time ! Apparently computer bar codes contain the numbers 666 (or so I’ve been told) and this obviously means that they are associated with the Antichrist (I’m not joking !)

Another thing which the women of the sect did was not cut their hair. I’m not sure what the reason for this was.

April fool?

The last time I attempted parody on PT, 2 lawyers wrote to tell me and the world where I had gone wrong, even though I explicitly stated in the last paragraph that I was being deliberately silly. It is gratifying that linguists and Yiddishists have not made the same mistake.

Thanks to Ms. Pang for the compliment. Unfortunately, I can’t even conjugate Yiddish, so I have little motivation to join YIVO (Institute for Jewish Research, a center dedicated to Yiddish and eastern European Jewish culture). You might say I know a lot of Yiddish nouns but no sentences.

I managed, however, to decipher Ms. Clouser’s instruction to “Dr.” Flank, and I have to say that in this instance I agreed with Ms. Clouser. For the uninitiated, the ancient Hebrew verb kaken is probably related to Mr. McClure’s Spanish noun caca: further evidence that Latin languages are also Yiddic.

Putz and shlemiel are not synonyms. Putz is a vulgarism neaning a jerk, a stupid person, a shmuck. I think it may be stronger than shmuck, but both are vulgarisms and should not be uttered lightly. A shlemiel is more of a clumsy simpleton. I suppose you can be both a putz and a shlemiel, but you don’t have to be; a shlemiel who knows his limitations is not a putz.

Finally, my apologies to those who thought the article was Greek to them. Maybe if they started reading I.B. Singer and eating Levy’s rye bread, …?

Definitely serious Adam. They are extreme Calvinists and don’t believe in evangelism at all (if God is going to save someone then he will choose to do it) apparently. An acquaintance who I skied with for a number of years left the sect and joined the Baptist church. His family haven’t spoken to him for years !

I’m not sure if the 666 thing about computer bar codes is an urban myth or not but there are a lot of people here who believe that the little stamp that you get when going into Disney World for instance is an example of what the mark of the beast will be like (I’ve heard this type of thing on christian TV here-Jack Van Impe for example)

I.B. Singer and eating Levy’s rye bread hahhahah boom boom

Arden on the missing vowels I have a theory.

When the “name we cannot mention” was communicating with Moses he was using an early form of SMS on those ancient PDA’s the “Holy Tablet”.

The first commandment was actually commandment zero

0. Thou shalt not use vowels, (so I can get away to my golf game with “you know who”, I’ve got a life to and think of the time it will save)

we are not aware of it because the “Holy Tablet” was only a 10 line device and commandment zero scrolled off the top.

There is also the possibilty that men were only given vowels by their wive’s when they fully complied with all their needs. As in Wife: “n sx fr y ntl yv tkn t t grbg”. Husband:”aaaaeeeiiiiooooouuuuu”

I managed, however, to decipher Ms. Clouser’s instruction to “Dr.” Flank, and I have to say that in this instance I agreed with Ms. Clouser. For the uninitiated, the ancient Hebrew verb kaken is probably related to Mr. McClure’s Spanish noun caca: further evidence that Latin languages are also Yiddic.

I figured it out from the Afrikaans version, which says “Gaan kak in die mielies”. (I learned that from some South African friends.)

You are Making this up. for the truth of the matter, go here.

On another note, late for april fools day I know but true anyway:

“Science” means “knowledge”; it is a search for truth. When liberals, atheists or others run to a sympathetic judge in another state to ban books, curricula, displays and the like, that is censorship, which liberals once disavowed but now seem to endorse, as long as it is used by them and is needed to convince students that theories are facts without alternatives. True science is all about comparison. If something requires censorship to survive and cannot stand up to review and comparison, it is not science. That is fundamental.

Adaptation is observable fact, but propping up pet origin theories by censoring opposing data is detrimental and unacceptable in any freedom and science-driven society. http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/op[…]news-letters

Yeah BWE Gerry Carr at the Sun Sentinel WAS 2 days late with his piece about censorship and libruls, but hey what they lack in humor they make up for in irony.(smirk)

And of course Luke was a Doctor so they’ve got us there. …oh wait what about those Pagan Greeks ? Asclepius, Hippocrates and Galen who trained in Alexandria of all places? Not to mention the Islamic physician al-Razi and the Zoroastrian systematizer Al-Majusi.

He incorrectly states that Hospitals were a Christian invention and while Europe was still in the throes of the Christian Church’s dark ages AS A DIRECT RESULT OF shutting down the Pagan Greek Schools by the usual suspects…ignorant god brotherers..Islamic science and medicine flourished.

They actually led the world until around 900CE when the Islamic church leaders decided that “The one true word of GodTM” was in danger of being diminished by the heresy of reason in the minds of the common man.

Yup nothing like a little Obscurantism to help the medicine of fundamentalism go down.

Bah.. Broken link Gerry Carr at the Sun Sentinel claims Xtianity is the mother of medicine .…forgets to check history. Islamic Culture and the Medical Arts http://www.nlm.nih.gov/exhibition/i[…]_00.html#toc

Lenny wrote:I figured it out from the Afrikaans version, which says “Gaan kak in die mielies”. (I learned that from some South African friends.)

Your Afrikaans is really good Lenny. Another version of “Gaan kak in die mielies” is “Vlieg in jou moer in”.

Your Afrikaans is really good Lenny.

Actually, whenever I meet someone who speaks a language I don’t know, I ask to learn how to swear.

I can swear really really well in Spanish, French and Arabic, pretty good in Farsi, Japanese and Russian, and know a few choice words in Afrikaans, German and Lakota.

:)

Dr. Flank,

(I am still a lurker so don’t dare call you Lenny)

I can swear really really well in Spanish, French and Arabic, pretty good in Farsi, Japanese and Russian, and know a few choice words in Afrikaans, German and Lakota.

As a non-professional linguist (aka amateur), may I ask you how one swears in Japanese? (Since this is blatantly OT, if you are willing to reply, please do so to [Enable javascript to see this email address.]) In return, I could help you with swearing in Italian, Portuguese, Dutch… :-)

Shimata, roophy. Take the ‘m’ and ‘a’s out to get the English translation.

Baka is fool or idiot. Usually said while sticking out one’s tongue and pulling down a lower eyelid with an index finger (it takes some practice to pull this off)

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This page contains a single entry by Matt Young published on April 1, 2006 4:01 AM.

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