A Horoscope I'd like to see

(This follows on from my article on the recent Astrology kerfuffle and was written (but not used) in 2005 for Australian Sky and Space. The positions are correct for 2005, but Mars has obviously moved by now)

Even though the Sun passes through the classical constellation Ophiuchus, it is not included in the astrological zodiac. Also Cetus, where several planets can spend some time, is excluded (most recently Mars was briefly in Cetus). As well, Pluto wanders a bit further from the Zodiac than the others due to its high eccentricity, but the constellations it wanders into are excluded from the astrological zodiac. And what about asteroids, Kuiper belt objects and Plutinos? Astrologers are divided over whether to include them in charts, and although you can find astrological predictions on the internet that do include these objects, your average horoscopes exclude them. And what about space probes? Size and mass is no obstacle to astrological relevance, surely these messengers of human curiosity and hope should be included? Sadly, they are not.

I think it is a great shame that these constellations and objects are excluded from western horoscopes, they would be far more colourful than the wishy-washy current versions that suggest that Mars may be making you a little more aggressive. So I have written the kind of horoscope I would like to see.

Camoleopardis, the Giraffe

You may have to stick you neck out on this occasion. With Voyager 1 in your sign, you have a restless urge to go boldly where no hominid has gone before, but you only get as far as the video store before the bow shock hits. On the 12th of September 2013, a piece of shuttle booster will fall in the garden of all maiden aunts of Camoleopardians.

Ophiuchus, the Serpent bearer

You will find yourself tied up in knots today. The influence of Quaoar would normally help you find a creative way out of the loop, but Varuna will rain on your parade. You may, or may not, have a life changing decision to make on an odd numbered bus. Flipping a coin may, or may not, assist you to come to a decision of some kind.

Serpens: The serpent

You may be feeling a little bit snaky today, if not positively Stygian, and the influence of Pluto in this constellation will make you feel colder and glummer than before. At 12:15 am on Tuesday the hot water heater of all Serpians will explode, making cold showers inevitable.

Cetus: The Whale

With Mars in conjunction with Sedna, International Whaling Commission Members should beware of angry Inuit trying to sell blubber sandwiches. On Friday all Cetians will find a harpoon embedded in their fishpond, even if they didn’t have a fishpond to start with.

Some explanation:

Sedna is the Innuit goddess of the sea, and protector of seals and whales. Quaoar is a North American creation deity and Varuna a water deity. The Kuiper Belt objects named after them really were in the constellations named in 2005 when I wrote this, as was Voyager and Pluto. Mars was in Cetus at the same time as Sedna .